Relationships
Relationships hugely impact our well-being and mental health, even helping shape our worldview, self-image, values, behavior, and attitudes. Despite relationships’ drastic importance in every aspect of our lives; like all good things, they are challenging. Few things in life provide greater joy than our relationships, yet also reliably bring frustration, pain, and even heartbreak. To handle this we must deeply understand the benefit of fulfilling relationships so we can prioritise them. I would argue there are few greater things worth prioritising in life than fulfilling relationships.
Yet we live in a time of rugged individualism where society recommends we become totally self-sufficient, and the desire for others validation, company and presence is somehow a weakness. This idea does not align with what it means to be human, in fact it massively overlooks the reality of what provides well-being, mental health and a good quality of life - human connection and a sense of belonging to a community/tribe. It is true people can become too co-dependent and overly rely on others to provide them a sense of self and safety but I would argue going too far the other way in believing you can go it alone in the life is far less healthy. The need we have to feel validated is valid. The need to feel you belong and wanted in others company is valid.
What is your attitude towards relationships?
An attitude towards relationships as being a priority benefits us as social animals. If you approach relationships from a place of genuine desire to get to know and connect with people (rather than gaining something). To have a mindset towards seeking and maintaining fulfiling relationships as a priority for your well-being and quality of life. Doing so you can escape the rugged individualism modern society promotes. Societies focus on self-help in isolation I believe is a huge factor in the mental health crisis we are seeing. This focus on self- help in isolation is hurting us, the truth is we grow in relation to OTHERS, not in isolation. There is nothing in life that cannot be made better by fulfilling relationships with others. What good are our best achievements if we cannot celebrate them with others? Good things are best enjoyed with good people. Self-growth is important, we have to be comfortable and happy within ourselves to be the best possible partner and friend we can be, but even self-growth is most efficient when we have a support network and a good social life.
The closest people to you determine your ‘success’ in life. The ability to get on well with people is perhaps the most important skill we can develop, impacting every aspect of our lives. Great dreams and achievements are never accomplished in pure isolation. Even if they were, the process would have been faster and more enjoyable with people to share the journey and success with. Good things in life are most enjoyed with good company. When you focus on others and building a support network and community you paradoxically can have more time to work on yourself and your own projects, and be more productive.
“We grow in connection with others. Everyone needs to hear that other person’s voice saying, I believe in you. I can see possibilities that you might not see quite yet. I imagine that something different can happen, in some form or another”.
Aspire to build a circle who both inspire and support you, ideally people, who have similar goals but most importantly people you enjoy spending time with,. People who when you leave you feel enegerised and inspired, rather than angry or exhausted.
This is of course does not come easy and takes time, like all good things in life., It could start with inviting someone you admire to grab a coffee, or reaching out to an old friend to make plans with them.. Mindfully and genuinely build and rebuild relationships and cherish and care for them as much as you can.
Have a healthy self-less mindset towards relationships, just for the sake of having them
People can sense when you want something from them and it makes them shy away. When they sense that you don't want them to do anything and you don't care what they say or do, they will flock to you, because they are free to be who they are and someone is just really interested in who they are. You gain more from relationships when you approached them with a genuine want to get to know people, and to crave the connection you desire, rather than for any certain result or goal.
NEVER EASY- constant effort
We do ourselves a disfavor if we assume meaningful and fulfilling come easily with little effort. I write, therefore, from the point of view: like all good things, fulfilling relationships require consistent and challenging effort. Developing such skills and relationships can massively enrich all aspects of our lives. Never stop seeking and maintaining fulfilling and meaningful relationships and always be grateful for those you may have. Tell a friend you appreciate them, make plans with them to create new memories, and have those tough conversations knowing problems ignored only grow. Identify ways to compromise, and sincerely ask how you can be a better partner or friend.
Be humble - or pay the price
Being humble is different from downplaying your achievements or social values in an attempt to make others feel better. Instead, it means putting effort and focus into making people feel comfortable around you. Conversations purpose is to share mutual comfort to all involved, not an opportunity to give a monologue about what you know. If you have time for others and make room for them to feel comfortable around you, and show genuine interest in people you’ll feel the benefit rather than rushing around trying to achieve personal goals. You may find you are more consistent with your personal goals and projects when you have a fulfilling social life.
A trick: . People are more impressed by you sharing mistakes or embarrassing moments than any kind of bragging. For example telling people you accidently put your cereal in the fridge and milk in the cupboard makes a better impression on people than bragging about a new watch you have bought. Similarly self-deprecating humor can also enhance your relationshios . Is there any point in going through life as the flawed human being we all are, and always will be, without laughing at ourselves from time to time? You gotta be able to laugh at yourself!
Be open minded, humans are fascinating.
Everyone has heard the phrase, “be open-minded,” but it is more than a phrase—it is a skill that needs to be practiced. It requires effort, self-reflection, and hard work to change perspectives and views. Everyone we meet knows things we do not and has different perspectives and experiences than ours. Our egos sabotage our chances of growing and learning from others. A bad attitude is one that is counterproductive to what we want. We must be open-minded, especially to other people’s perspectives. No one is always right, and often, being right is not important in the context of relationships!
Becoming more open-minded towards people also benefits our social life. People often separate themselves from others almost like they are a different species to certain people. The more we see ourselves as capable of what any other human being has done, the more we like ourselves and become likable to others. We could be anybody, from Hitler to Gandhi born into the same environment with the same genetics - everyone has their own journey and life story. Developing a mindset that recognises you can truly learn something from absolutely everyone you meet is a reward in itself, whilst giving us an increased range of conversations and perspectives on the world.
Filter your relationships to be fulfilling and meaningful
People you spend your time with slowly and steadily shape your personality, so select your company wisely. Be ruthless with who you spend your time with, cut out people with a track record of negativity.
We become the average of the people closest to us. So demand of yourself to seek out people who can enrich your life, even people who amaze you. Being the least successful out of your friends is important, you never want to be the smartest or most successful person in your social circle!
It takes conscious effort to seek out the people who are positive and inspiring, the rewards of being around these people are immeasurable. One person can change our lives, a few supportive and good close friends can similarly make the world of difference. This is all worth consciously thinking about as it is also true that good friends can be few and far between. The quality of our relationships matters, quantity, not so much.
Throughout your life people will come and go, there are few people on this planet who you will truly connect with. Recognise this and love them with everything you have and tell them frequently how much they mean to you, with the awareness the right fulfilling relationships are the best gift in life and the more important thing for our mental health and well-being. Conversely, get rid of toxic and negative people from your life. Such people do not change and will only bring you down to their level.
Relationships are MUTUALLY beneficial and provide satisfaction, this is an easy way to decide how to filter your social circle. It is hard enough to change ourselves to become the best version of ourselves, impossible to change the people around you, though you can change who you allow to be in your life.
Life is about rhythm, energy and vibes. Look for people who have the same rhythm energy and vibe as yourself. Work on your ability to distinguish people who are there for you for the right reasons and those who only want something from you. The former will always be with you through hard times and the latter will disappear when it suits them.
If you feel as if your relationships are not fulfilling you may want to consider looking inwards, perhaps you are far from the best version of yourself, perhaps you are not a good enough friend to yourself and those around you. Perhaps you need to put yourself more out there and work on your ability to be a good friend.
You do not have to do something amazing to impress the world, really you want a small social circle/ community that can provide you a sense of belonging, fulfilment and achievement for just being yourself. You cannot go against this human nature of needing a community and sense of belonging. Be conscious, purposeful and smart about focussing on seeking out and maintaining these relationships in the small community of your people and be grateful for this knowing its the most important thing in life for your mental health and well-being.
Realise you may not be able to reach your ambitions with your current social circle, seek out like minded people who support you.
When you prioritise your own mental, financial and physical health is when you can help others with those important aspects of life.
Be grateful for your current relationships, avoid constantly seeking out new ones or coming from a place of desperation. If we are always searching, we miss out on the benefits of deepening our current relationships. Nobody is a perfect match for us, only someone who can better relate to with shared experiences and mutual understanding. Someone we enjoy building these with over time. Being preoccupied with finding the perfect relationships can make us ignore deepening the relationships we already have and perfect relationship do not exist. All relationships are challenging as we are all flawed human beings and all good relationships require frequent hard work and thought.
Avoid judgement
Despite filtering our relationships and working on becoming the best version of ourselves, we cannot judge others. We have more in common than we have in difference to everybody we meet. The more you get to know people, the harder it is to dislike them. It’s impossible to truly hate anybody if you understand their whole life story. Thinking is difficult, that’s why most people judge.” – Carl Jung
When two things do not match, it is neither’s fault, they just do not fit together. Better to see people as not being a good fit for you, than to be judgemental and deem people as either worthy or unworthy. Avoid seeing people as wrong for their opinions. People have different world views, perhaps you can learn from them, even if that’s realising they are not the right fit for you. It is ok to find your own people but this is made much more possible if you also remain humble and open and realise we are all a lot more similar than we are different.
If they are not your tribe, your people, you will simply move on with an understanding that its ok to be them, avoiding judgement. If judgement is part of the process you are simply self-harming by limiting your potential for growth from learning from others. Thinking you are superior than others is a trap that only hurts yourself.
Success with relationships is complicated and luck is involved, being in the right places as the best version of yourself as you possibly can be largely creates this ‘luck’. Develop a mindset to prioritise the right relationships and put in the effort the maintain them, remembering the Importance of gratitude here. One good friend or partner can massively enrich our whole lives.
