Self-Compassion.

To be human is to be fallible and flawed. A collection of meat and bones, riddled with imperfections, filled with complex emotions and conflicting desires. To be human is to be missing the tools it would take to live a faultless life, while at the same time, being human guarantees a propensity for self-criticism. The human brain is incredibly prone to faults; our biggest struggles and pains in life can be explained simply by the key organ we are born with. It is impossible to be completely in command of who we are; our only true foolishness is to hold ourselves completely and unforgivingly accountable for all our foolishness. Most of us would rather suffer severe physical pain than endure some of the torment from our brain's thoughts. The brain's tendency towards negativity means our mental health and well-being deeply rely on our ability to practice self-compassion, yet so often this goes against our nature.  However, we can learn (increase our ability); to forgive ourselves, to treat ourselves with kindness, "hug" ourselves, and even kiss ourselves on the hand saying 'I love you' - though this seems completely repulsive and cringeworthy at first! It's only when we reflect on the lifelong futile destruction a lack of self-love causes, unnecessarily sabotaging and reducing the quality of our own life (which also has a collateral effect on all those around us and the world!). Your own relationship with yourself drastically influences everything and everyone you care about. When you love yourself, you allow others to complement and enrich your life with mutual benefit, rather than forcing them to be your missing piece to fix you, real changes always come from within ourselves.

So, how healthy is your relationship with yourself? Do you treat yourself with loving kindness? Are you more like a supportive friendly coach or a destructive, critical enemy to yourself? Do you like who you are? Are you honest with yourself?  Do you do the things you tell yourself you will do?  How satisfied are you with your progression in life? How proud are you of your accomplishments? How much are self-compassion and self-acceptance a part of your daily life? Ask a room of people who like themselves and not many will put their hands up. People are often better at remembering to give their pets medication than for themselves. Often criticising and judging themselves in ways they would not dream of treating a friend or a loved one. Most of us are extremely talented in the art of self-hatred. Peculiarly, if we treated others, in the way we tend to treat ourselves, we could be sentenced to prison for cruelty, ways that, upon reflection, are inhumane. We speak to ourselves in ways that if somebody else did, we would cut them out of our lives. Life is a long and challenging journey when you are a companion to yourself, god help all those who continue to get in their own way. It is essential to increase our capacity to be more of a friend to ourselves. Just as we desire our loved ones to be kind and loving to themselves, we must develop this important skill for ourselves. Self-compassion is key to well-being and a fulfilling life.

You are beautifully flawed!

Your mental health and well-being deeply rely on your ability to reliably and thoroughly view yourself through a compassionate lens that understands all humans as flawed works in progress for their entire lives, and that actually, our imperfections make life rich and beautiful. We all live messy lives and are always far from perfect. We are not unique in our stumbles and foolishness; we are not the only ones missing out on a secret, perfect way of being faultless; we are all flawed by design.  We struggle to comprehend and visualize others' inner turmoil fully, regrets, and shame, and humans are skilled at hiding such aspects. We see an exceptionally dressed person who looks all put together, and we take it for granted that behind closed doors, they cannot possibly also have overwhelming despair, moments of madness, burdening regrets, and anxieties. These assumptions harm our well-being and ability to practice self-love. None of us have, or will ever have a fraction of the knowledge required to stop making mistakes.  The most amazing people in the world all have countless flaws, all have done embarrassing and stupid things, and continue to until the day they die. Remember this the next time you judge yourself, open up compassion and love for your own flaws and mistakes. To be human is to be missing the tools it would take to live a faultless life; we only have some control over how bad our faults and mistakes are, and in what area of our lives they present.

One of the most compassionate things you can do for yourself is to build your ability to face your fears, back yourself in handling failure and mistakes, and take risks in life. Failures are a guarantee; also guaranteed is that a fear of failure massively reduces the quality of your life. The path to every success is through failure and mistakes; failure is growth. Strive to celebrate mistakes and failures, knowing they are the path to improvement. If you do not live your life knowing that making mistakes and failing is essential for a good life, you are effectively self-harming in a way even your worst enemy would think twice about. A sworn enemy cannot diminish your life as much as the chains you put around yourself. To not treat your mistakes and failures with compassion is killing you slowly, massively reducing the quality of your life. Not allowing yourself to fail and make mistakes is the worst thing you can do to yourself, it's a lack of trust in your ability to learn and grow. If you are not growing as a person, you are dying. A setback is merely a chance  to become more resilient in your already great improvement journey. Our ability to continuously grow relies on our ability to practice self-compassion and self-love; there is no larger burden than not seeing your struggles in the loving eye of them being simply a part of being human.

ACCEPT ALL PARTS OF YOURSELF, EVEN THE ROTTEN. 

Ponder the people you like, admire, and love – they all have flaws and imperfections, and  are part of why you admire and love them. The most 'successful' people all have flaws, all have done embarrassing and stupid things, and will do until the day they die.  Sometimes we can feel awkward; other times we can feel confident. There are parts of ourselves we like, and others we do not – why not work towards learning to accept all, knowing they make us who we are? Strive to have more compassion for yourself in all aspects of life, even the rotten. We like other people’s imperfections; we like people who have struggled through hard times; we must learn to like those parts about ourselves. The world is a tough place. Life can be brutal, and this is when you are a good companion in life to yourself! Many of us obstruct ourselves, acting as our own worst enemies. Life is too brutal to do so; have your own back, or nobody will. If you underrate yourself, the world will frustratingly underrate you. “An audience cannot believe in the performer until they believe in themselves". When we hear others being too critical of themselves, part of us is repulsed, almost as if we demand that person is kinder to themselves, forgetting how hard of a task that can be at times. There is no greater enemy to your well-being, mental health and quality of life than not seeing your own struggles in the loving eye of them being simply a part of being human. Dare to consciously practice this in your day-to-day life, to notice when you are being inhumane to yourself, not treating yourself the way you would treat a friend or loved one.  Dare to accept your flaws and mistakes as part of being a loveable human being, give yourself grace and compassion, as you do for others. Self-doubt and difficulty will always be present in our lives no matter what; having self-compassion for ourselves gives us a boost through these moments throughout our lifetime. The sooner we decide to be a supportive friend to ourselves in this harsh world, the sooner the struggles in life you would face anyway will become more manageable. Flaws and mistakes are here to stay for your whole life, the sooner you embrace them with compassion the better.
Accept who you are, including your flaws, wrong doings, mistakes and imperfections. Life becomes richer as our levels of self-acceptance grow. . What you are, and what you have, right now, is all you can work with. The more accept your present and past, the more you can grow into the future. With self-acceptance you can focus on who and what really matters. Your biggest enemy to your well-being and mental health? YOU not being able to forgive yourself for past mistakes. Forgiving yourself is ESSENTIAL, leaving the past in the past is ESSENTIAL, there is no future if you cannot let go of the past, the more we learn to forgive ourselves for our past the brighter our future. You deserve to be more a supportive and loving friend to yourself, regardless of your past .Who you were yesterday, is not who you are today, UNLESS IT IS. It is easy for humans to be destroy themselves by not letting go. Unfreeze yourself from your past mistakes so you can add your days together positively and grow. Face yourself in the mirror and hold a funeral for your past mistakes. Do not let the you that no longer exists destroy you.  Holding on to past mistakes for a second longer than how long it takes to learn from them is unnecessarily cruel, and we are aiming for compassion and love for ourselves.

Can't appreciate the sun without experiencing the rain.

A most challenging part of being human is that our moods are so vulnerable to fluctuate. It can seem easy at times to tolerate ourselves, to treat ourselves with kindness and forgiveness; at times we feel we are worthy and see our future as optimistic and deserving of such. At other times, we see ourselves as deserving of contempt; we feel guilty and weak, and forgiving ourselves for human errors at such times seems unfathomable. These mental rain clouds pour over us sometimes unexpectedly, even on days that started so well. These unexpected mood shifts are hard to diagnose but are a guaranteed part of being human. A positive morning can become gloomy and result in self-loathing and tearfulness by dinnertime. Even at our most optimistic times, feeling we are on a brilliant path can be swept from our feet leaving us in a place we feel we are an error in this universe.The sooner we accept this fluctuation as an inevitable part of being human, the better, as accepting all forms of our mood allows us to better manage. We can work towards our downturns in life being a tad more gentle, our times of sadness now less daunting, knowing they too will pass, and seeing our changes in mood as less shameful in our own eyes. Low moments are guaranteed, where we compare how we are to an imaginary ideal or to others (which is also imaginary as we do not have full access to other people's lives and mental struggles!). We offer ourselves no forgiveness for falling short of these ideals. We tend to zone in on our life history, investigating for traces of mistakes, times we let others down, said or done embarrassing things we regret, and despairing at our existence. Even our tendencies to struggle when apologizing to others depend on our skill level to practice self-love. An apology is not as easy as having to mutter the words “I am sorry,” as when we are already struggling with finding ourselves, in a way, intolerable, then to have to further admit our wrong, some further foolishness, can be a too demanding step forward. From this place of lacking self-love, we avoid a 'sorry,' not because we are not upset with our actions, but because our wretchedness is already so incredibly obvious to us. These feelings towards ourselves cause a loss in hope of the power of apology resulting in what we really desire( though deep down we feel we do not deserve) human kindness. Similar difficulties are seen with our ability to accept others' apologies. This fault lies in our inability to extend imaginative sympathy as to why perfectly fine people are perfectly capable of doing terrible things, not because they are evil or horrendous, but truly because they are themselves, in their own ways, worried, weak, tired, or unhappy. Decent people can, on occasion, act in ways much less than optimal. The more we cement the mindset that perfectly fine people, at times, do bad, enhances in us a forgiving outlook which in turn helps us forgive and love ourselves for our own humanness. If you ever feel and think you are superior to others, you will also feel inferior to others. We are all human beings, no better and no worse than anybody else. We are all flawed by nature and always will be, accepting other people’s flaws or not is a two-sided coin. We hurt ourselves when we think are not capable of doing something another human being has done. Everyone is capable of being a guard at autswitch given the conditions and circumstance that made them do so. Make it a goal to increase your capaicity to understand and appreciate individual differences and circumstances. Strive to be less judgemental and critical of others, knowing this helps you have a better relationship with yourself – betterfiting your own mental health and well-being. Try to incrementally increase your feelings of humbleness and appreciation of individual differences and circumstances. Whilst incrementally lowering your judgement and criticism of others, knowing this helps you have a better relationship with yourself.

Everyone has low moments, and in these moments we tend to compare how we presently are, to the ideal self we are aiming for. We offer ourselves no forgiveness for falling short of this ideal. We tend to zdwell on our mistakes, times we let others down, said things we regret or have done things we were embarrassed about, even despairing at our own existence. Although some self-criticism can be healthy, , to be humble and admit our shortcomings. Accepting feedback gracefully, and being willing to learn from mistakes is a valuable tool. This tool however is a double edged sword, one which we can sharpen too well it becomes a powerful threat to our well being. We can become too open for improvement, and strive towards an unachievable ideal, not fully recognising that all humans are flawed by nature and always will be works in progress. Excessive self-criticism is self harm, it undermines our mood, brings unhealthy doubt and underperformance. A weapon which we start to forge in childhood, but now we need to sharpen the blade more tactically with greater detail recognising its harm on our well-being, we need to add to the blade healthy amounts of self-compassion. We need to self-talk in ways that combat our negative thoughts. Be gentle and kind to yourself. If a friend were to explain what you yourself are worrying about, how would you respond? Would you offer kind words and forgiveness? You owe yourself the same treatment. Self-doubt and difficulty will always be present in our lives no matter what, having self-compassion for ourselves gives us a boost through these moments throughout our lifetime, why not start to work on it now? The sooner we decide to be a supportive friend to ourselves in this harsh world, the better, if we do not have our own back, nobody will.

ACTION, ACTION, ACTION.

I'm against the “dream it and achieve it” and other self-help BS. Like everything worth having, self-love does not happen overnight. A healthier relationship with yourself comes through consistent work, through those daily actions you know deep down would increase your chances of liking yourself a tiny bit more. Opportunities will constantly present in your daily life where you can practice being that tiny bit kinder to yourself. We can all practice making our self-talk slightly more positive and supportive. Dare to take seriously how you talk to yourself, catch yourself relentlessly when you are not being kind to yourself. Over time, the results can be life-transformational, there is no more destructive burden than a negative self-image and self-limiting beliefs. There is no better investment to your quality of life, and to those you care about, than in increasing your capacity for self-love, self compassion and self-acceptance. There is no  no magical final destination of 'self-love', it’s just a journey, a journey which starts with the conscious decision to actively increase your capacity on a daily basis to be kinder and more loving to yourself. Self-love is a lifelong practice, a skill. A skill in that we can practise and develop on a daily basis to massively enhance the quality of our life, and of those around you. If you want to please people, to be liked and respected, take actions you like and respect in other people. Behave in ways you like and respect in other people, and adopt the daily habits they used to achieve what they have. Winning your own small battles daily such as not hitting the snooze button. When we respect ourselves, it makes it easier for us to take respectable actions – this cycle become self-fulfilling. It can be as simple as the goal of becoming better at remembering other people’s names. You like it when someone you meet uses your name, when you work on your ability to remember people’s name you meet, you improve your relationship with yourself. If you dislike when people interrupt, you can increase your capacity to not interrupt somebody. The first tiny step being self-talk during a conversation ‘ok I am going to try to listen with the intention of listening, not with the intention of responding’, you may initially remember to do this 10% of the time, but eventually it becomes a habit, then it becomes you and your life. It may be to increase your ability to take pauses during conversation. Slowly developing the self-talk to remind yourself to take a breath and think. We can all work on shifting the way we speak to ourselves to be incrementally more positive and supportive. We can all behave and take some actions that we like and respect when other people do.  All humans are wired for success, we can all succeed and be happy, we just have to work at it. We can make our subconscious mind work better for us, rather than against us. Identify the actions you value and admire in other people, and take those daily actions yourself. Make it a ritual, without failure, to ask what is it you can do today which may slightly improve the way you feel about yourself and your life. We are responsible for practicing the skill of self-compassion and self-love. . “You are what you do, not what you say you’ll do.” –  Carl Jung. Cleaning your house, buying treats for yourself on occasion, consoling yourself, taking a shower – little things like this seem of little importance, but should be considered absolutely essential and massively important to your well-being and mental health. Small positive actions help you build trust within yourself, promotes positive feelings for yourself which inspire in you and help you take more positive action in life.  When you are around other people when you feel good about yourself,  people subconsciously  treat you better,  promoting this cycle of positive feelings. Increase your capacity to encourage yourself. To hug yourself. To show compassion to yourself. To reassure yourself.  See supporting your future self by taking positive action as a daily necessity.  You will become that person, make it a daily priority to reduce that person's death bed regrets.

TAKE POSITIVE SELF-TALK DEADLY SERIOUSLY

 Less is known about the brain than the surface of the moon. All humans have a battleground in their minds, all struggle with their thoughts, a mental battleground darker and bloodier than any physical battleground. Such is why it is essential to our mental health and well-being to be strategic and skillful in our mental battle to shift the balance of allies (kind self-talk) vs enemies (negative self-talk) in our minds. We can practise the skill of redirecting that critical voice, to a kind, compassionate and reassuring voice – a voice which has feisty, warrior like compassion defending our inner child from unnecarsry criticism.  BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU SAY TO YOURSELF Its not uncommon for people to put themselves down or to insult others, even if this is self-depreciating humour its still something to be wary of as our brain does not know when we are only joking, our subconscious mind takes everything we say to ourselves literally, and what we say to ourselves influences our behaviour, and so our lives. Take seriously how you talk to yourself, guard your mind with the same tenacity you would guard your own children's minds and feelings.

The conscious 'adult self' is an aim us eldery children are striving to be for a lifetime, I say elderly children because regardless of age, we all have that inner hurt child in our minds still. You do not have to be mentally ill or doing poorly in life to sometimes be troubled by something that opened up a childhood wound. An unfortunate part of being human is that this adult selfs voice is often rarely frequent in our daily thoughts, rarely holding the microphone in the stage of our minds. We can increase their presence on this stage, increase the volume of their voice over time, if only  we are patient enough to ourselves. This requires no technical ability or devine intervention, simply a willingness in challenging moments to shield our inner critics in our minds to get to the microphone, and if they get their, to turn the volume down on them. To stay calmer, and to ask yourself what the adult in our minds would say here. The panickers, depressives and self-loathers in our minds, will always be there, but overtime we can see them as what they are, their unhelpful lengthy speeches in our minds can get shorter, and their content taken less seriously. We allow them less power over how we view ourselves. Even cutting their microphone off in certain moments and welcoming our adult self to centre stage. Being human this person in our mind is often unfortunately shyer and needs to be more persuaded and trained to do so, but overtime they can grow in confidence and be more present in the stage of your mind. In certain moments we may have to demand them to take the microphone, in challenging moments you just ask how the adult-you would handle this, you may be surprised when you take the time to consciously ask yourself this, there is always an answer.

RELATIONSHIPS and self-compassion / self-love.

Part of self-love involves being selective about your support network and social life, filtering iit to be healthier and more fulfilling. Our mental heath and well-being benefit when we take seriously who we befriend. Become wary of how your mood is affected by those in your company. People may call themselves a friend, but upon reflection provide some hostility, self-absorbed chaos, unhealthy levels of competitiveness, or  holier-than-thou  moralism. Sharpening our skill to filter out such people from our social life is necessary to our mental health and well-being. Develop an interest to detect which interactions leave you feeling dispirited, depressed or irritated, knowing the best medicine humans have for low mood is found in healthy relationships, being in the right kind of company, friends who can confirm our sense of belonging, who accept us even when we are sad, and accept our flaws and mistakes as part of being human, and so are never beyond human compassion. Seek out consoling souls, such souls are forged through their own human suffering, and so will not hold back being vulnerable to share one or two of their own struggles themselves.

Unselfish selfishness

There are few more proven concepts in Psychology research than the power of unselfish selfishness. Extensive research shows people who have self-love and self-compassion are less self-absorbed, are more emotionally resilient, generally happier and healthier, and have healthier more fulfilling relationships with others. Treating ourselves better is also the best way we can help the people we care about. A healthy relationship with others starts with a healthy relationship with ourselves. If you are fearful you will make others fearful. If you are relaxed you will make others relaxed. The best way we can improve our relationships in life is to improve our relationship with ourselves. Self-love, and self-compassion have nothing to do with selfishness, quite the opposite. If you underrate yourself, the world will frustratingly underrate you. Smile at the world, it smiles back